SA2's Gaming Blog Topic

[Marie Rose]

So Thin Red Line is a lot harder than I originally thought and I'm lazy & a procrastinator so I'll get to it eventually

[ganonfloyd]

I await the day.

[Marie Rose]

It was a bright and sunny morning, and I happened to acquire some excess money. While that money may bring a feeling of joy, I felt anxiety. The feeling that I had been avoiding something for some time now. Like a piece in a jigsaw puzzle which got lost under the bed. But the bed hadn't been cleaned in over half a decade, and I was unsure of its depths. But this time is different, I've got my rubber gloves. There I was one day, laying on my couch, watching some crap on my laptop & being a useless piece of shit all day when the phone suddenly rang. So I said, "Hello? Who is this?" The voice on the other end was barely audible at first, then after a short period of silence it whispered, "Dark Souls..."

I burned the phone, for it had been corrupted by the devil and his heathens, but these blasphemous words showed themselves everywhere: The television, in the sky, randomly inserted during random conversations with friends. The beast would taunt me till the end of my days, saying, "Come at me." and I would turn my back on it with such excuses that, "It looks pretty boring,", "It seems vindictive & kinda cheap," and the well-known, "Eh, it's not my kind of game." but no longer. I journeyed to its sacred dungeon and entered its lair to meet this sinful beast where it had waited all this time, expecting my arrival. It said once more, "Come at me." and with controller at the ready, I came. The game arrived like a flash, I torn off that plastic & sparks flew. I popped open that concealed case and the light hit me, fierce enough to melt a volcano, but this had no effect on me because it may be a beast but I'm also a beast. I slam that shit into my PS3, with the force of a thousand suns and boot it up. My anus is ready, I'm prepared to die.

Thought it would be more amusing to talk like this when I play through it

[ganonfloyd]

This is one of my new favorite posts.

I will be watching this topic like a fucking hawk now.

[Youef]

This is one of my new favorite posts.

I will be watching this topic like a fucking hawk now.

[Marie Rose]

*senile old man voice*

And so the foolish casual player began his perilous journey. He strived to be somewhat different, do something uncommon, attempt to be a proto-hipster, like a true hero should be. He chose to spend his early days learning the arts of sorcery, though started as a Pyromancer because he heard that class is better overall. Like his many soul brethren, deep down he had the soul of a warrior, but he felt the need to see uncommon things, variety is the spice of something or another as they say, and so on. This journey began as I sat in the midst of some dark dungeon cell as an undead, baked like the bark of a tree that’s been cooked at 225 degrees for an hour, oh boy I tell ya…one day this knightly fellow appeared through a hole in the ceiling and threw down a key to the cell doors. Who this person was & where he had gotten this key, I did not know. I quickly began to try out the somewhat awkward controls I’d have to eventually get used to if I were to triumph (breaking character for a second, why is left stick + roll the run button? Why not just clicking the left stick? Plus why does the roll feel half a second late? Also what’s up with the triggers being the attack buttons & the normal attack buttons being the heal?).

I ran through the narrow hallways & paths, killing them halos because they have no right to occupy the screen. Upon opening a set of doors, I was suddenly ambushed by some kind of monstrous demon. The beast must’ve been at least 30 feet tall wielding a massive club that could completely destroy the bodies of most men in a single swing. I ran for a door I spotted out of the corner of my eye on the left and evaded that monster. Making my way through the short area ahead, I picked up a shield & axe, it’s not much but it’s a start. I knew ahead of time of tricky traps on stairs as one undead attempted to crush me with some newfangled whatchamacallit but created an opening in a wall. Here I met with a knight who was sadly on his bed death. Could this be the same knight who freed me? I don’t know, I stopped paying attention, but god rest his soul. He gave me an estus flask, I get the strange feeling this thing will be of some use to me. Moving on, after a little rough start in combat on my part & needing an estus already, I transversed the white light and appeared on a ledge overlooking that demon. Naturally, I hopped off that ledge and plunged my axe deep into his whosawhata, dealing around 1/3 of his health. I went toe-to-toe with that vile demon, only managing to get hit twice when the beast fell on my first attempt, I had learned quite a bit from the many travellers who had encountered the demon & told tales of their encounters.

So I moved on, grabbing that one undead soul in the left corner while doing so because you can’t hide those items from a kleptomaniac like myself. I ran to the edge of the cliff just ahead, eager to experience what was ahead. Suddenly, some kinda giant eagle of sumthing came outta nowhere and swooped me up in a flash. Next thing I know, I find myself truly in the heart of Lordran, at Firelink Shrine. Now the great wizard or whatever, Essaytu, can truly begin his adventure.

[ganonfloyd]

*essaytu*

*smiles*

[Youef]

This is extremely fun to read.

I can't wait until you reach Ornstein and Smough and also the DLC content.

[Marie Rose]

First things first, there was a little grinding that had to be done, so this squishy wizard was not so squishy. Then this sorcerer finally proceeded to Undead Burg, which had a lot of undead commoners & soldiers around so at least it wasn’t a lie. Strolling through the ruined city, making use of my soul arrows for anything I didn’t want to get close to, I defeated a black knight in the lower levels by spamming him with heavy soul arrows, though I did not emerge without serious bruises. I travelled up & fought with the gruesome Taurus Demon, but as a squishy wizard, I already knew how to cheese. I spammed the beast with soul arrows while backing up every two spells to evade his blows & it was over. I quickly encountered a red dragon or drake, this thing had flames for days, oh boy I tell ya…was hesitant to step out onto that bridge for a few moments. Oh! I also encountered this knight of sunlight or whatever called Solaire, golly good fellow, that man. To proceed I needed to get past that dragon…but first I walked below the bridge and shot arrows at the tail to collect that drake sword, because why not? After an attempt or two of being roasted like I was on the BBQ menu, I made it to the bonfire. Yeah, that drake had to throw that meal away, he couldn’t handle all that salt.

Dying several times in the Undead Perish on my way to the blacksmith made me remember that I take more damage than melee classes, so I still need to draw out specific enemies & cheese as much as possible, forget the 4000 souls in the corner while I fight two black knights, they’re not worth it. Going slow & steady, I got through 90% of the area with strategy, then I ran into the church, grabbed my souls & ran like a bitch as they gave chase until I got to the bonfire just ahead at the blacksmith. Just ahead the entrance to the Darkroot Garden was blocked by a handicapped demon wielding a titanite catch pole the size of a car. Fortunately, it mainly used ranged attacks but it simply couldn’t outdo me at my own game. I ran deep into the dark forest, down an alternate path & encountered the massive multi-headed Hydra within the centre of the lake. Though annoying & time consuming, I did eventually vanquish the beast once the foolish Hydra was done bombing the crystallized golems in the area.

Walking around the side of the lake while hugging the walls which almost nobody would normally think to do, I came face to face with a mighty golden golem, though he didn’t feel much different aside from having tons more health. I freed Dusk from her once crystallized fate & bought the miracles she had to offer, along with a catalyst that was much better than the one I was using. I’ll be forever grateful, what a charming young lass. Once I get done with Capra Demon I can finally start on the real bosses (Oh, and Capra Demon is a cheap fucking ****. That fight is artificial difficulty in a nutshell, there’s no degree of fairness there. Tiny room? Annoying backup? Ridiculous attack range that somehow ignores my roll’s invincibility frames for some reason unlike other enemies? This fight is hell for a wizard, and I’d rather not have to grind for better stuff so I don’t get killed 5 seconds after walking through the door. Despite a few BS deaths like the game rolling the opposite direction of my joystick, being pushed off a cliff or getting stabbed from some guy to the side, I was still enjoying the game up until this point. Also found out you can just run by holding the roll button, why the game didn‘t say this, I have no idea).

[ganonfloyd]

Capra Demon is 100% the worst thing in the game. I hate it more than even the Bed of Chaos fight. It literally stopped me from playing the game for a year. Not an exaggeration;a full year.

Solaire is amazing though.

[Scourge the Hedgehog]

I killed Capra Demon first try.

But then again I also had trouble with the boss of the Depths so I guess I can't talk junk.

[Youef]

I think it's hilarious that you're doing so well in the game but didn't know you could run.

I am impressed. You seem like you're doing a lot better than I did my first time. Capra Demon sucks but only because of those damn dogs. Even after replaying the game multiple times I still hesitate to enter that fog gate.

I killed Capra Demon first try.

But then again I also had trouble with the boss of the Depths so I guess I can't talk junk.

Different people have very different experiences with the game I guess.

[ganonfloyd]

For real. People hate Tomb of the Giants and I never have problems with it.

[Marie Rose]

I knew I could run, it's just that the game said left stick + roll, making it seem awkward. Only an hour later I found out simply holding the roll button lets you run. The game could've easily said, "Hold O" instead. Honestly a lot of my fast progress is due to me already watching a playthrough of the game ages ago, so I generally know most of cheap ambushes & traps that would catch most people. It helps that I'm trying not to rush through areas. My weapons & equipment are a lot better at the moment, I can actually take some hits now & can easily block most attacks. Before I was forced to play Don't Get Hit mode to compensate for being fast so 2-3 hits was enough for almost any enemy to kill me.

[Marie Rose]

After a long drawn out session that felt like an eternity, I managed to cheese Capra almost as much as he was cheesing me & gained the key to the Depths. It was home to living fecal matter the likes of which would make most men wet themselves in fear, but not I. After proceeding carefully like normal but nearly getting killed by a butcher who somehow jumped me from behind, I used my master key to reach a bonfire. Around this point I learned of a fan spoken term known as “soft humanity.”, why the game never explained the increase of the counter in the left corner & how it can benefit you in many ways, I have no idea. So I spent an hour or so killing halos for banked humanity, as well as killing the fecal matter for various shards & the rats for consumable humanity. When I had banked 10 humanity (which is the most you can get at any one time), I was hesitant to fight the boss as I had gathered 100,000+ souls in that time & didn’t wanna risk losing it to BS like the kind only Capra could muster. I instead left the area to spend most of it on a level or two, spells & so on, while proceeding to the very first bell tower In Undead Perish. I became human briefly to acquire the aid of that sunlight fellow, Solaire of Astora, golly good fellow, that man. I was offline, of course, can’t stand those young whippersnappers with their invasions & so forth. We fought the Gargoyle brothers: Tom & Dick, could’ve sworn they had a third though. Was nearly roasted that day due to one of them burning the roof so often. Magic was super effective against the duo, who would’ve thought. After reaching the top, it was time to go down below, far, far, down below.

I finished Dentata Dragon with the aid of Solaire once more, then gained the key to the infamous location most players would rather forget. The likes of which would scare ghosts, the mere mention of it would silence rooms, the kind of place challenge gamers would look at & shake their heads in disgust: Blighttown, where frame rate goes to die. It was a rough start, the bad level design was what was killing me the most due to not being able to one shot enemies & getting knocked off cliffs repeatedly. Don’t even get me started on the camping assholes in random corners shooting toxic darts, those cures ain’t that cheap. It was a horrible experience trying to navigate the place long enough just to reach a bonfire at first, then reach the bottom when I was stumped on where to go down at one point. When I finally found the bonfire at the bottom & grinded on slugs in the poisonous lake since they dropped a lot of shards, I was attacked by a dark spirit, Maneater Mildred. I ate that woman like a beast, then found out I could summon her to aid me in the fight against Chaos Witch Quelaag. Her feminine wiles were not enough to charm a person such as I, aside from 80% of her being a lava spewing spider. While she was the easiest part of Shittown & I could have easily solo’d her, having Mildred to distract her so I had the time to use the bigger spells sped it up. Kill thy witches, get thy souls. Upon ringing the bell & joining the Chaos Covenant downstairs just for the trophy, it was time to get back to the surface. But there was a problem, I had no idea how to get all the way back. There was no obvious shortcut in front of me back to the surface. I spent nearly half an hour finding the exit, and I lost around 40,000 souls, yet I didn’t care. I just wanted to leave & never come back…then I learned there was an NPC sitting by a pillar near the boss’ lair who sells Pyromancy spells.

The next target on my list was the Moonlight Butterfly of the Darkroot Garden, it’s had this coming for a whole day. So radiant, so captivating, so easily killed by magic within 30 seconds. I then ventured to Sen’s Fortress, the experience was not very pleasant. Due to not being very melee oriented & them having shields, those humanoid snake monstrosities took too long to kill, plus the amount of cheap deaths suffered was starting to get to me. I lost 50k souls during the very last area and I didn’t react. I knew some BS was gonna kill me during the 10 minutes I had to spend running back up there. The golem encountered at the top was all Iron, no fat. He towered over the very fortress itself, but it was no match for magic spam while walking backwards, of course. While there was a glowing ring I could’ve touched after defeating the golem, I chose not to since Big Hat Logan had agreed to teach me the best magic skills for saving him so I left to buy them at Firelink Shrine after some grinding. Though before I proceed further, I have many foes on my list who still have yet to get theirs.